Episode 1: The Return of the Gods

For many millions of years, Earth was the favorite vacation destination of the gods and goddesses.

Around 3.2 million BC, Gaadmo and Saso captured Lucy at Hadar, Ethiopia. They brought her to The Big Monkey, and he instantly became obsessed with her. Too obsessed with her, actually. She managed to wriggle away from his heavy-handed clutches, never to be seen again.

In the 1st Century, Iceman (the Mayan god who holds up the Northern Sky) humiliatingly defeated Pazuzu (the Assyrian fire-breathing demon of the winds) in a competition. Iceman pretended he was losing by melting, let the Northern Sky droop, and Pazuzu was “killed” in an avalanche of snow in the middle of an Assyrian desert. All of the gods who were present were rolling around laughing to the point where they couldn’t even breathe. The ones who had lost a lot of money betting in favor of Pazuzu were laughing just as hard as the rest. Most had placed their bets in favor of Pazuzu, of course.

Gods are immortal. The price Pazuzu had to pay for losing and “dying” in the process was actually only banishment to the underworld for a thousand years. Centaurus almost always sided with the underdogs. What humiliated Pazuzu is the picture they took of him “dead” with a spear in his derriere after the snow had melted. There is a solitary primitive nomad in this photo, celebrating as if he were the one who accomplished the feat. It went viral. Pazuzu became the laughing stock of the universe whilst suffering misery in the underworld. Iceman never acknowledged responsibility, and the gods who witnessed the event pretty much kept their mouths shut because they thought it too funny.

Upon being released from the underworld in the 11th century, Pazuzu founded the Federation. His sales pitch was that Centaurus had been dominating the universe since the beginning of time. Draco, along with the other smaller constellations, didn’t have a chance at winning any of the god games unless they joined The Federation under the benevolent rule of Reret (the Egyptian goddess of childbirth). The capital would be the former pole star Thuban, all would act as one to reduce the power of Centaurus, and there would be no infighting within The Federation.

The Federation taught earthlings advanced technology and allied with them against the Confederacy. The Confederacy suffered greatly and agreed to a truce. The Rainbow Bridge was rendered impassable. No gods or goddess from either side of the last war would be allowed to return to Earth for a thousand years. That date would be January 1, 2089.

To counter The Federation, The Big Monkey started what would become known as OAASM (The Organization of Ancient Alien Space Monkeys).

The gods and goddess revised the boundaries of the constellations in 1589. Argo Navis, by far the most powerful constellation in the Confederacy would be divided into three parts: Carina, Puppis, and Vela. Puppis joined The Federation. Centaurus, now became the most powerful constellation, but Crux was split off to reduce it’s strength. Leo’s tail was cut off to form the constellation Coma Berenices. Parts of the sky that were considered deserts inhabited by gods who were nothing more than savages were now made available for the formation of new constellations who would be able to vote their allegiance.

On Christmas day, 2083, the rainbow bridge unexpectedly reopened due to a glitch in the space/time continuum. Under the command of MonkeyGroup Leader Patty, (the Goddess of BS), the StarShip MonkeyPrize went on an unauthorized and truce-violating snatch & grab mission to fetch Lucy from Hadar, Ethiopia and return her to The Big Monkey.

(MCM-1) After sunset on January 1st, 2084, MonkeyTeam 063, led by MonkeyGroup Leader Patty, attacked four Baby Welcome Balloon (BWB) squads at Berbera, Somalia. Unexpectedly, they were repulsed by the now nearly godlike 3rd millennium earthlings.

With Purple Penguin (Dr PP) unable to return to the MonkeyPrize, further attacks were an unavoidable necessity to try to prevent Purple Penguin from being captured.

MonkeyTeam 001, led by MonkeyTeam Captain MamaZ, attacked four BWB squads at Hargeisa, Somalia. Using what they had learned from MT063, they did better but were also repulsed. All returned safely.

Without Purple Penguin to keep Gaadmo, Captain of the MonkeyPrize, and his division leaders sedated, they woke up and resumed control of the StarShip MonkeyPrize.